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things I tell myself I'll edit someday

A long stretch of Mondays

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2014 was a long stretch of Mondays.

This was a frustrating and difficult year: so much anger and so many disappointments. There were countless of times when I really wanted to abandon ship and take a new path, and I almost did. Twice. There were moments when I couldn’t find in my heart the Why of my whys, moments when I thought myself lacking, moments when I did not want to write anymore, because I had no story to tell, because I did not have a voice.

This was a challenging year: I’ve made decisions I hope I would not regret in the future; I’ve let go of seemingly good opportunities; and I’ve neglected good people in my life. This year, I bounced between Anger, Apathy, and Boredom. I’ve hurt a number of innocent people with my cutting words and demeaning attitude, and I was sorry for that, really. I did things I regretted in the end. I was not the person I wanted to be this year. I was not a good person.

Despite everything, I’m thankful for people who stayed despite my flaws and shortcomings. I’ve gone through ups and downs, but my friends remained patient—they listened to my repetitive and often annoying concerns in life. I almost gave up my oath of “paying forward”, but they continued to remind me the Why of my Whys.

2014 was a humbling and enlightening year. I realized that I was limited but with the right people, I could be whole. This year was a rough one, but I learned a lot. I learned how lucky I was to be with people who would not give up on me despite everything else. I learned how lucky I was to form a bond with people who keep the fire burning despite the difficulties. I did not know what I did right to deserve their friendship and love.

As I bid goodbye to the last day of 2014, let me thank the people who rallied with me this year. I would not be able to survive a day of 2014 without them.

As I sail through 2015, I hope to have my personal brand of struggle, so I may find my voice and my story. I pray for strength to be able to forgive easily. I hope that the year 2015 will allow me to be a better person, to be able to give more, and to continue striving for goodness. I know that the New Year will not be without challenges, but I know it will be worth it. (Ha! Tempered optimism!!!) I hope you are with me in this adventure.

Written by Angel Santos

December 31, 2014 at 11:07 AM

Posted in Oblivion

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To the 2nd of 12th

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Tangled in sheets, arms and legs entwined
Your heartbeat burns my palm
Slow and hallow breaths in between
Your warmth echoes in me,
meeting and melting my loneliness
Here and now, the sun slightly peeking
the quietness of early morning dissolving
And your skin is prickling mine
Fingertips silencing my fears
We have here. We have now.
And somehow the world is ours

Written by Angel Santos

December 2, 2014 at 9:21 AM

Posted in Oblivion

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I’m sorry, Internet

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I’m sorry, Internet. I’m sorry for the emotional diarrhea. I won’t promise that it will stop, but I’ll try to minimize it.

This month’s difficult for me; I am mostly tired of everything. I just want to vanish and to never look back, because I realized that the world will always go on without me and that I do not matter that much and this is such a long sentence I don’t know if I still make sense.

I know my worth, I know that, but I want to stop, to really stop, just for once, because I am tired and I am not even myself anymore. I’m not even sure if this is quarter life crisis or prolonged teenage angst, because I’ve been feeling like this since I hit 16.

I’m so sorry for being human, I can’t help myself. I’m sorry for using you as I bask in my weakness, in my self-inflicted drama, and in my pseudo-problems. I know I’m technically having a good life (I have a job that I like, I have the best people in my life, etc.) and that I’m actually doing well despite the imperfections of my existence.

I’m so sorry for being that emotional, pathetic, whiny child I promised you I will not be. I’m sorry, my feelings are everywhere. I know I’m 24, I should be an adult and I should deal with ~feelings with grace and maturity. I am sorry I took a hit on you, I am sorry you are the direct casualty.

I am sorry. I wish I could quit you.

(I’m sorry that even my apology sounds like an emotional diarrhea)

Written by Angel Santos

September 29, 2014 at 1:49 PM

Posted in Oblivion