Be my muse

things I tell myself I'll edit someday

Love, exhaustion, etc.

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Much has been said, less has been done–on my part, that is. Perhaps I am a little too late to let you know that I know what’s weighing you down, I know what’s eating you up: I am a difficult lover.

I do things I said I will not do; I say stuff I do not mean. I stutter. I mumble. I speak out of turn. All because I fear the kind of hold you have of me. All because I think you are too damn good to be true, too damn perfect to even notice me, and too damn smart to even think I could be worthy of your affection. I make a fool out of myself. All because I love you.

You say it is easy to love me but so difficult to stay in love with me. You say I am too scared to drown myself in the kind of romance you want for us. You say I don’t love you enough to take a risk to be with you. How wrong you are.

I love you enough, maybe more than you think I do, but I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to begin showing it to you, because I fear that I might do it wrong. And I can’t let that happen. Not this time. Not with you.

But perhaps avoiding making a mistake is the most stupid thing I ever did. Now, I am losing you. I feel it in your sighs. I see it in your distant gaze. I am losing you, slowly and painfully losing you. All because I love you in the only way I know how.


Written by Angel Santos

July 30, 2013 at 5:24 PM

A Room Full of Sorrows

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In an empty room, we find a girl sitting on the floor.
Her head bent, arms around her knees.
The curtains are slightly parted, allowing a sliver
Of light shining on her narrow shoulders.
Silence envelops her, a quietness
not seen in a child of eight.
Her dad had just died, her mom is mourning,
Her siblings are out drowning themselves in liquid courage.
There is no one there—not a single soul—
to save her from what is to come.
The door opens ever so slightly, soon a silver head
peaks in, greasy limbs, and a grin soon follow the lead.
The door closes, blocking our vision of her.
We hear a sigh, a pat on her hair,
a touch on her shoulder, a caress on her arms.
We hear the struggle, the rustle of clothes,
an eager grunt, a muffled cry,
the Death of Innocence.
The knob turns and the door creaks open.
A decidedly click of the lock. We hear
light footsteps fading in the hallway,
a chuckle of satisfaction and a whistle
of a happy nursery rhyme lingering behind.
In that empty room, we see the girl sitting on the floor.
Her head swimming in nightmares,
Her arms shaking in fear, her shoulders in disgust.
The curtains are drawn. Darkness,
Silence, and Coldness surround her.

Written by Angel Santos

March 4, 2017 at 9:57 AM

Posted in Oblivion

A letter for 2015

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Every start of the year, I (under the influence of too much alcohol) write a letter to myself. A letter which I (painfully sober and clearheaded) usually read on its last day. With trembling hands and a heavy sigh, I braved to open and read the letter I wrote on January 1, 2015:

Dearest Angel,

It’s the first day of 2015—the year when you will turn 25 and your friend Ross will get married to the man of her dreams. I just read your letter dated a year (2014) ago today. I cried a little, especially in the part where you wrote: “I could only wish for better things to come to you (since I really have no idea what the future holds for you). You know I have given up looking forward to a bright future long ago. Maybe I have been dead for more than I have lived. May you find something that could make you feel electric and alive as I was when I was 20.”

I only hope that 2015 will bring you many challenges to allow you to become a better person—to give more and to continue to strive for goodness. I know 2015 will be a difficult year, but I pray for your strength to continue fighting for life and for being alive.

I can only wish for this present version of Angel. I really hope that you will not give up. There are so many good things in life that you’re about to discover. You may not get what you want, but you will find reasons for it. You are where you are right now, because that’s where you are needed. Continue to give light to those people who need it most. Yours may be flickering but it will provide the littlest hope to others. Please do not think of yourself too little. You have so much to give, and I wish that in 2016, you will find it in your heart to give more than what you actually can.

I hope that you find it in you to let go of the things that burden you. Let go of anger; forgive more. I am sure that you have done what you’re supposed to this year (2015). I wish that you find your own brand of struggle, that you fight for it, and that you keep it close to your heart. I wish you’ve found what it is you’re looking for, so that when you face 2016, you will be grounded. I hope that 2015 made you the person you wanted to be. I wish that you are, in fact, more than you expected to be. This time, prove me right.
– A

As I close this letter, I look back on the memories I have gathered in my feeble mind and think to myself, “This has been a relatively good year—not because of the good things that came my way, but because of the difficulties 2015 had prepared for me and the people who stayed beside me in the darkest moments.”

I am not a better person, at least not yet, but I am getting there.

Written by Angel Santos

January 7, 2016 at 2:59 PM

Posted in Oblivion

Books in 2014

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  • Batman: Lovers and Madmen – Michael Green
  • The Solitude of Thomas Cave – Georgina Harding
  • Reportage on Lovers – Quijano de Manila
  • The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
  • How they met and other stories – David Levithan
  • Be More Chill – Ned Vizzini
  • Look at the Birdie – Kurt Vonnegut
  • The Everafter  – Amy Huntly
  • The Magician’s Elephant – Kate Dicamillo


  • Desperate Duchesses – Eloisa James
  • Your Scandalous Ways – Lorreta Chase
  • To Seduce a Sinner – Elizabeth Hoyt
  • The Heiress Effect – Courtney Milan
  • This Duchess of Mine – Eloise James
  • The Governess Affair – Courtney Milan
  • It’s in his kiss – Julia Quinn


  • Unlocked – Courtney Milan
  • Unraveled – Courtney Milan
  • Unclaimed – Courtney Milan
  • The Viscount Who Loved Me – Julia Quinn
  • A Night Like This – Julia Quinn
  • The Duke and I – Julia Quinn
  • An Offer From a Gentleman – Julia Quinn
  • Romancing Mr. Bridgerton – Julia Quinn
  • Romancing the Duke – Tessa Dare
  • Nine Rules to Break when Romancing a Rake – Sarah MacLean
  • Eleven Scandals to Start to Win a Duke’s Heart – Sarah MacLean
  • Ten Ways to be Adored when Landing a Lord – Sarah MacLean
  • One Good Earl Deserves a Lover – Sarah MacLean
  • A Rogue by Any Other Name – Sarah MacLean
  • No Duke Goes Unpunished – Sarah MacLean
  • The Sum of All Kisses – Julia Quinn
  • Just Like Heaven – Julia Quinn


  • Any Duchess Will Do – Tessa Dare
  • When the Duke was Wicked – Lorraine Heath


  • The Lover’s Dictionary – David Levithan
  • Letters – Kurt Vonnegut
  • Slaughterhouse-five – Kurt Vonnegut
  • Transformations – Anne Sexton
  • Gone Girl – Gillian Flynn


  • The Historian – Elizabeth Kostova
  • The Rake – Mary Jo Putney
  • The Truth About Lord Stoneville – Sabrina Jeffries
  • A Hellion in Her Bed – Sabrina Jeffries
  • Love Letters to the Dead – Ava Dellaira
  • If this isn’t nice, what is? – Kurt Vonnegut


  • On writing – Richard Cawer
  • The Madness of Lord Ian Mackenzie – Jennifer Ashley
  • Lady Isabella’s Scandalous Marriage – Jennifer Ashley
  • The Many Sins of Lord Cameron – Jennifer Ashley
  • The Duke’s Perfect Wife – Jennifer Ashley
  • The Seduction of Elliot McBride – Jennifer Ashley
  • The Proposal – Mary Balogh
  • The Suitor – Mary Balogh
  • The Arrangement – Mary Balogh


  • Parasol Protectorate: Soulless – Gail Carriger
  • Parasol Protectorate: Changeless – Gail Carriger
  • Parasol Protectorate: Blameless – Gail Carriger
  • How to Love – Katie Catugno


  • Naomi & Ely’s No Kiss List – David Levithan
  • Original of Laura – Vladimir  Nabokov
  • Post Office – Charles Bukowski
  • Everything Beautiful Began After – Simon Van Booy
  • The Marriage Plot – Jeffrey Eugenides
  • Letters to the Young Poet – Rainer Maria Rilke
  • Landline – Rainbow Rowell


  • The Alcoholic – Jonathan Ames
  • Trip to Tagaytay – Arnold Arre
  • Martial Law Baby – Arnold Arre
  • The Mythology Class – Arnold Arre
  • After Eden – Arnold Arre
  • Never Judge a Lady by Her Cover – Sarah MacLean
  • Shortcomings – Adrian Tomine
  • Daytripper – Fabio Moon
  • Parasol Protectorate: Heartless – Gail Carriger
  • Si Janus Silang at ang Tiyanak ng Tabon – Edgar Calabia Samar
  • Reborn: Journals & Notebooks, 1947 to 1963 – Susan Sontag

Written by Angel Santos

January 1, 2015 at 5:45 AM

Posted in Book Whore There

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